Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

describing stardew valley

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

me: *feels an emotion*

also me: who in the hell authorized this?!

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa