Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room đ
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
interviewer: whatâs your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: thatâs right
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so iâll have what the economy is having please.
I donât know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I wonât stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
One time when we were eating breakfast at dennyâs my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: IâD LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I donât plan on doing you
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town Iâve never been to before and say âLarge Marge sent me.â
Marriage may be hard but at least you donât have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, thereâd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My husband swears he doesnât read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Youâre not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that theyâre not one of the children in your class and you canât speak to them like that.
That awkward moment when you realize your wifeâs funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf Iâm asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, itâs a pretty awesome movie
writers really said: what if homework⌠was a career.
âcomparison is the thief of joyâ well sure if youâre a loser
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but theyâre also not the most helpful
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they donât like being shaved while theyâre eating.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Next time someone says âIâm a huggerâ and tries to hug me Iâm gonna say âIâm a puncherâ and see how it goes.