Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.