time for some seasonal decor
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Steam Forums
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead