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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.