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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
How software testing works
aura
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.