Time heals everything 🙂
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.