Time heals everything 🙂
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
He wanted to make sure😂
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.