Time heals everything 🙂
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ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check