Time heals everything š
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
sorry iām late i had to catch a chicken is something iād never thought iād say, but here we are
What in the hell is ādisposable incomeā?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him āplease be gentle with that.ā He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like Iām some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now Iām wondering why the hell Iām not.
Iād rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I donāt know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Husband: *buys anything* Letās save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Yes, this is exactly right
St. Peter: āSpock?ā
Leonard Nimoy: āIām Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.ā
St. Peter: āHEY EVERYBODY! ITāS SPOCK!ā
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Like my therapist always says, āIām not your therapist, youāre just laying on a couch in Ikeaā
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: weāre trying to have a baby
ME: ok Iāll step outside
My dancing style could best be described as āFrantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.ā
While itās impossible to pick a favorite child, itās easy to identify the one who isnāt your favorite at the moment.
I canāt believe I have to say this every year. Donāt share lip balm, you guys. Thatās how the dry skin spreads.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We donāt know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didnāt say when yet
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.