When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.