Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough