[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or