“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.