“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
plant them where lol
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.