“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
this has done me in for some reason
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.