“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.