Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The Birdles
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.