Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

No one :

Me when I swimming :

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.