Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
What a website
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest