Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.