[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Worth a try
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
placebo pills? more like sike meds
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.