[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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Noah was an idiot.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
May never get over this
