Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children