Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE