Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Wise advice
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
This is the one
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within