Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me watching my own Instagram story
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
The glory of fall.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked