time machine? you mean a clock?
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Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery