time machine? you mean a clock?
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
A friend helps you before you need it
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers