time machine? you mean a clock?
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
fired
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers