Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Straight people are cancelled

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store