Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”