Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit