Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”