Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
sure, why not
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re