Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Good morning

#TopTip

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.