Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

HERE’S MARKY

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah