time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
we all know this pain all too well
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
The Others (2001)
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
