Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Meeeee too!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
How software testing works
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood