Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three genders

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from