Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking