‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.