Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression