Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
