Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*