Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
ok this is my dumbest yet
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*