Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

You were the one.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.