time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
found my next D&D character name
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie