time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
It’s a gift
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.