time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango