Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*