Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”