Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.