Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

These are my roll models.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.