Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
