Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Any refunds available?…
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
