Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
How tf did it end up there?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
