Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
can I use a minion as a tampon
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.