*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
You Might Also Like
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My love language is hissing.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.