Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on