Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.