[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.