Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
it was love at first sight
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face