Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My fantasy football season is going great
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.