Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You Might Also Like
SQUARREL
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi