Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
my professor scared me for a second
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.