Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?