Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

a lot to unpack here

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time