Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Yes my dude

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?