TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You Might Also Like
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
no!! no!!!!!!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package