Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.