Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”