Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

wishing you and yours all the best

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.