Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Whoa 😂

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

ㅤ

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…