Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*