Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

I’m not lazy

😂😂

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

When you “pspspsp” too hard

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.